A new study indicates women who are conflicted about their parents may be conflicted about their own parenting:
The study suggested that women who felt their childhood relationships with their parents were characterized by “rejection and unresolved conflicts” were likely to view children as more demanding compared to women with happier childhoods. Women with childhood conflict also may become stricter parents. Women who clashed with their parents were also more likely to indicate they would set a lot of boundaries for their children than other women in the study.
I was conflicted by my parents, particularly my mother, but I wasn’t conflicted by my sons. I found the whole motherhood responsibility rather daunting, and I was determined that my sons would not grown up always questioning themselves. I cultivated experiences for them where they could succeed, and heaped on praise on the many occasions when it was due. And, to contradict the study, I think I became a mother who wasn’t particularly strict or caught up in boundaries, and who, as a result, didn’t find her children particularly difficult.
My son’s fiance can’t believe he was never grounded. Well, he never needed to be. And they were both incredibly easy to discipline: All I had to do with the oldest was just hint that I might separate him from his friends, and he would immediately turn into a tower of Jello, and the younger one was so sensitive that just looking at him cross-eyed would make him burst into tears. Shameful.
I think the key has something to do with self-awareness. I knew precisely what kind of parent I DIDN’T want to be, and that made a lot of decisions and reactions automatic: Praise. Don’t hover. Say yes to shorts in mid-winter or blonde hairtips or last-minute sleepovers so you can say no later to something more substantial. Keep lots of Otterpops in the freezer in the garage, and don’t get mad when they disappear. Say “I’m sorry” when necessary, and mean it. Praise some more. Don’t make a big deal about minor screw-ups. Be low-key around their friends. Listen.
As they say, it isn’t brain surgery — It’s a lot more important than that.