Over 30 and not married? Adelle Waldman feels your pain. In an article in More Intelligent Life, she endorses Lori Gottleib’s controversial Atlantic piece that advocated, in the absence of Mr. Right, settling for Mr. Good Enough.
If I had read her essay five years ago, I would have been scornful [says Waldman]. Now, I’m 31 and a lot more sympathetic. I’m no longer able to write her off as one of those bitter marriage-crazed women I was sure I’d never be…
The truth about turning 30 is that the question of marriage, and by extension dating, becomes much more angst-ridden… Dating, however little fun you thought it was in your 20s, becomes even more fraught. It is not just heartbreak over a particular guy or general loneliness that keeps you up at night. Those will still be there, but on top there will be a new worry, the one about winding up alone.
Waldman is speaking wisdom beyond her years, because she sounds like my 50-something single friends. That distress at “winding up alone” is the undertone of every conversation we have about their unmarried status. And I vividly remember Mother’s utter despair when she became a widow at 61, which to me now seems incredibly young. Even we married types should not consider ourselves immune.
Romance and companionship aside, being in a productive partnership can help equalize the relentless load of dealing with life. One single friend is currently struggling with a dying car, only the latest in a series of financial challenges. “I am so tired of having to deal with everything by myself,” she said. “If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.”
Despite an occasional need for some solitude to lick our wounds and consider our options, we are, I believe, at heart a very social species. My long-widowed mother-in-law joined forces with a group of widows in her condo development for card games and excursions as well as for a round-robin of regular phone calls to each other to check on their health and other needs. It’s a comfort for her. A single friend’s adult children keep her busy with her grandchildrens’ activities and their other needs. It makes her feel needed. But at night, both of them still go home to an empty house, and I hope I can appreciate the sometimes sadness of that.
Perhaps I’m overstating this for my single friends and family members. Trapped in these tabernacles of flesh as we are, we’re all pretty isolated. No matter how long you live with or know someone, you still don’t fully experience his or her life. Saying goodbye to family members and friends is a universal experience. At the end, no matter how many people we have at our side, we each go through that Last Big Door alone.
But we can still comfort each other along the way. I’m blessed every day by family and friends, both near and far. I began blogging to become part of that wonderful chorus of voices out there, and I’ve found a lot of sympathy and understanding in what I’ve read. It helps me.
Thanks.
Update: Allison at WomenBloom is actually living an interesting alternative to the singles life.
July 2, 2008 at 11:05 am
Bingo! As a 50 something woman who’s been widowed for 14 years, I can tell you I never thought I would end up here, single. It IS angst ridden. As independent as I am, there are a lot of implications. Emotional ones absolutely, but financial ones as well. It’s a lot easier to build a solid retirement foundation when two are working on it.
I just published an article on WomenBloom about something called co-housing that is really gaiining traction: http://womenbloom.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=vie
w&id=179&Itemid=64
5 or 6 people in the last week, when I mention this concept, have gotten very excited because they and friends had been talking about this very thing. I think there’s a lot of iceberg under this tip. Given how the structure of our society is changing, I think we’ll see lots of experiments in aging with friends in a more ‘communal’ or ‘intentional’ way.
I hope so, just in case Prince Charming doesn’t show….you know, or even if he DOES show!
July 2, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Terrific. Thanks, Allison. I updated the blogpost to include your link. I think our generation will continue to make some interesting, even historic lifestyle choices and changes as we move along in life.
July 2, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Ms Meta, I think you have it exactly right. Human beings are social and they are fundamentally not meant to live alone. Our animal relatives certainly don’t.
The first couple of years after my separation and then divorce I was glad to be alone — I needed to do all that hokey healing stuff. Now (7 years on) I really don’t want that any more, but, like your newly single friends, I haven’t found a route back.
Harrassed people are likely to say they envy my solitude, and fatuous (possibly well meaning) ones advise me to learn to love myself — then I will enjoy my own company and won’t mind being alone. I think I know what they are saying — everyone needs space as well as companionship, and those who know how to be peaceful with themselves do not require constant activity or entertainment. But I sometimes want to suggest they try the kind of alone that means coming home every night to an empty house and a solitary meal, and all weekend long not having a face to face conversation with anyone but the dog. No human touch for days or weeks except for an occasional handshake.
I’m not meaning to get the violins out, just to say that while society has identified this as a real issue for the elderly, and there are support systems, you are right in saying that for some midlife women — and probably men too — the solitary life can be equally sad and difficult.
Must read Allison’s article on co housing. I’m the sort to do something ridiculous, like live in a van, as if that would solve it.